


Moony Don't Be Mad;  or The Five Monumental Screw Ups of Sirius Black

by ProfessorDrarry



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Hogwarts, Just Add Kittens, M/M, Marauders' Era, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Hogwarts, The Author Regrets Nothing, but not AU either
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 06:03:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10713681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProfessorDrarry/pseuds/ProfessorDrarry
Summary: You really only need to know this; Sirius Black screws up a lot. Almost abnormally frequently, in fact. And, an obscene number of those times had been Monumentally Disastrous. You may also need to know that Remus Lupin was very often the reason that Sirius Black screwed up. He wasn't sure why, but he also wasn't sure how to stop.





	Moony Don't Be Mad;  or The Five Monumental Screw Ups of Sirius Black

**Author's Note:**

> This is a silly bit of fluff. There may be canon in here somewhere, but if you find it, please believe me when I tell you it was unintentionally done.

 

 

**Moony, Don't Be Mad:**

**or The Five Monumental Screwups of Sirius Black**

Sirius felt the weight of what he had just said collide into the side of his head like a physical lurch. He isn't exactly surprised, since fuck ups and missteps were all a part of his story. At this point, you don't even need to backtrack or rewind or summarize to get caught up.

You really only need to know this; Sirius Black screws up a lot. Almost abnormally frequently, in fact. And, an obscene number of those times had been Monumentally Disastrous. He wasn't sure why, but he also wasn't sure how to stop.

You may also need to know that Remus Lupin was very often the reason that Sirius Black screwed up. It had been happening for what felt like time immemorial, and frankly, he didn't know how Moony always managed to forget until they were _here_.

Here, waiting in standoff formation, waiting for the other to crack. Waiting for the other person to break or blanch or back away.

"Why do you think you have a right to tell me not to go?" Moony was saying, angrier than Sirius had heard him in a long, long time.

"Moony," Sirius was responding, exhausted. "Moony, don't be mad."

"I'm always mad at you, Sirius," he flung back, arms thrown up in exasperation.

"Believe me," Sirius said. "I know. Since second year. _I remember._ "

 

**First: Dart**

The first one, Sirius forever maintained, had not actually been his fault. That one, way back in second year, had been entirely James' doing.

At twelve, with a mad desperation to both be considered older and yet remain children, Sirius and James had thrown themselves into second year with all the fervour of mischievous Purebloods. They were a holy terror, but with an infuriating ability to be awful within the boundaries of the rules. That way, they were never actually punished, but also somehow managed to keep Gryffindor firmly at the bottom of the house point rankings.

At twelve, going on fifty, Remus Lupin was nothing like that at all. He had a much better knowledge of what a hard life looked like, from experiences that had nothing to do with being a werewolf, and everything to do with a complete lack of privilege. He was quiet and studious, remaining well within the boundaries. Sirius had barely noticed him up to that point, in all honesty.

One day, in early September, he and James had stolen brooms from the closet near the pitch. It wasn't actually hard, since the thing was only locked when Coach Denbright remembered, but they hadn't known that yet, so it felt exhilarating and illicit.

They flew them low to the ground by the North tower, avoiding the windows of the professors who would stop them, and skirting dangerously close to the edge of the forest they were Not to Enter. At first, they had been very noisy, high-fiving, laughing and shrieking. But as often happened when the two friends were together and happy, they quickly fell into an awed and blissful silence of joyful flying.

James had heard it first, over the wind, apparently, though Sirius would forever believe that that wasn't possible.

The tiny mew was very obvious once James had forced them to land, and he ran straight into the first thicket of trees leaving Sirius to decide whether he would follow. Though, of course, Sirius didn't actually pause either.

They found it trapped, crying despairingly, with its tail stuck in a thicket of vines. James moved it carefully and it curled into his arms immediately. Sirius knew that this didn't end well, but James looked at him so earnestly that he just shook his head and walked with James back to the castle.

"Is that a kitten?" were the first words Sirius would remember Remus speaking to him. They likely weren't the actual first words, since they'd been in classes together for an entire year, but those were what he would hold up, years from now, as the first.

Sirius looked up at the small, sandy haired boy, the one with the bizarre and intriguing scars, and the near-silent presence in the common room. He'd heard the stories of this boy, though he suspected none of them were completely true. Sirius knew rough home life, knew tough beginnings. He knew the stories got fluffed up and expounded, and were rarely as exciting as they were made to seem.

Still, when Sirius met the boy's eyes for the first time, there was something challenging and strong and open in them. Something you wouldn't have expected from such a shy and tiny child. Even at only twelve, the spark immediately intrigued Sirius; there was mischief in that face. And, as it was Sirius Black's sole mission in life to foster and protect all instances of mischief, he felt immediately that Remus Lupin belonged to them.

Sirius looked back down at the rug where the mewing had not stopped.

"No," he replied pointlessly. If nothing else, it was completely obvious that the tiny gray ball of fuzz on the floor _was_ indeed a kitten.

"Sirius," said James in exasperation. "We are allowed to have cats. It's not going to be a problem."

"It is not a kitten," Sirius said again, "Because we are not Pet People and we are _not_ keeping it. Final story."

The kitten let out a particularly loud mewl, one that could almost have been a meow, and curled into a ball immediately against Sirius, who sighed and wrapped the bandages a little more carefully around the pathetically tiny tail.

"Well," said the new addition to their kitten watching session, "I feel like you keeping it doesn't _actually_ define it's kitten-ness. Think it might be a kitten regardless."

James snorted in laughter and Sirius felt annoyance and jealousy hit him in the chest at once. Few people made James laugh who weren't him. James had a very odd sense of humour. Yet, here was this new boy, the one with the interesting scars, making _his_ best friend laugh. The jealousy made him pause.

 _Weird_ , he thought. _Jealous. Not good._

He looked back up at the new boy.

"I'm sorry, but…" Sirius said, in a harsh Black tone and with hostility he did not actually feel, "Who are you, even?"

"Lupin. Er, Remus," that hint of timid challenge was still there, but he didn't seem uncomfortable or afraid, even if he didn't really look at Sirius.

"Do you need help taking care of it?" Remus said to James.

"You want to help?" James replied.

Remus shrugged, "Not particularly. Don't like cats very much. But I've never had a pet."

There wasn't even a hint of teasing in his voice; such sincerity and honesty was foreign to Sirius, and he didn't know what to do with it. James smiled back at Remus. Then he looked at Sirius for a moment.

"Sirius doesn't like cats either," he said wryly to Remus, pointing to where Sirius' hand was deftly stroking the kitten's loudly purring head. "Okay, Remus Lupin. You're on. I'm going to need help. Sirius can't even care for a cactus. Do you know if it's hurt?"

Remus considered the kitten carefully for a moment.

"Dunno. Could take him to Professor McGonagall to check?"

And so, they had all adopted a cat. For almost a month, the cat didn't have a name. Because, despite fervently asserting that the cat was not his, Sirius also rejected every suggestion given on what to christen the tiny fuzzball.

Finally, one evening, as they watched the kitten and half-heartedly did homework in the common room, Remus looked up so suddenly that he drew their attention.

"What about D'Artagnan?" he said.

James and Sirius looked at each other. Then at Remus.

"You know," he continued, embarrassed now, "The fourth musketeer?"

"That's a very pretentious name for a cat," James said, lying back down and moving on.

"Um, yeah," Remus said haltingly. "I know, but...we could call him Dart for short?"

In the heavy silence that followed, Remus may have been thinking about what a fool he looked like, for implicitly implying that they were the musketeers, that he belonged with these two. Considering they were barely friends. He felt his face go red, angry at himself for screwing up even a proximity of having friends, yet again.

But suddenly, Sirius laughed.

"Dart! I love it. Good job, Lupin."

"Wait, seriously?" James said, sitting back up again. Sirius agreeing was two out of three, the sacred majority required for twelve year old decisions. "Have we just named a cat using nineteenth century French literature?"

"Well, yes, but also his name is _Dart_ ," Sirius tried to explain. "Look at him! It's perfect!"

Sure enough, the cat was currently jumping in short unsure patterns, flying uncertainly all over the hearth rug, as though trying to prove how well suited he was to his new name.

Sirius suddenly became very protective of the cat. It was overnight, like he'd been unable to feel affection for the nameless furball, but was solely responsible for it now that he'd named it. Of course, it could also have been because the cat was very much endearing. He was lazy and yet hysterically attention-grabbing, and soon, the whole Gryffindor house was in love with their new common room mascot. Dart was shameless when seeking attention, willing to curl into the lap of anyone who would stroke his chin, but even the overly possessive Sirius Black couldn't seem to fault anyone for scritching the gray fuzz behind his ears or giving him treats. The kitten was just too cute.

Through the next few months, Sirius spent a suspicious amount of time actually _doing_ his homework, and there was no doubt that it was at least partially because Dart was in the common room and waiting when they got back from classes. And sitting around doing nothing got pretty boring after a while. Well, and because Remus always had his books out and it just seemed less dorky to study when they were _all_ studying.

He liked their new friend quite a lot, if he was honest. Remus immediately made himself the arbiter of all disagreements, either because it was the open role between James and Sirius, or because it was just his personality. When Remus was on your side, you won the battle. When Remus chose neither side, you knew the battle was probably a bit dumb. He arrived halfway through the year with Peter, a small and slightly watery boy who was rather innocuous, and not overly brilliant. Remus announced that Peter was going to study with them, and received no objections. James didn't really care, and Sirius had given up disagreeing with Remus' decisions. The four of them were an odd collection, and Sirius found he rather liked it.

And if Remus became off and distant once in awhile, what of it? Everyone had their shit. Hell, Sirius had more shit than most, so who was he to judge Remus for his anger once in awhile? He didn't question it.

It had been during one of these moments of the Remus Lupin brand distance that Sirius had really screwed up for the first time. The first time around Remus, anyway.

It was a few weeks to Christmas, and he was tired. Tired of studying. Tired of fighting with James about Christmas and where he was spending it (home, for the record, because he knew it would annoy his mother more of he showed up at the house expecting family dinners and presents). Tired because he kept having a strange dream where he ran around on four legs with a frighteningly large animal with fangs, waking him up both confused and a little scared, but entirely exhilarated.

He was dozing on the couch, slowly falling further asleep in front of the fire, waiting for his friends to come back from dinner, which he had skipped in favour of napping. It wasn't exactly silent in the common room but it was warm and full of tiny Christmas trees, and it smelt of cinnamon. He scratched the fuzzball, who was curled asleep on his stomach, and drifted away.

He awoke to James shaking his shoulder rather violently.

"Black! Where's Dart? When did you have him last?"

"Wha-he's right-"

Except that even before finishing his sentence, Sirius knew that the kitten was not curled into his leg as he had been before. He sat up slowly.

"James," Sirius said sleepily, "Calm down. He's probably just loving around the common room. You know what he's like, the little brat."

"Sirius, he isn't. He's not upstairs either. I've been looking for fifteen minutes."

And that made Sirius scramble to his feet.

With years of distance, and objective hindsight, they laughed now at the panicked search that he and James had leapt into. After all, Dart was a _cat_ , not an infant. They had originally found him in the forest, and frankly, he was likely entirely capable of being self sufficient. But all the two second years could think was that Dart was in dire straits. And that Remus Lupin was going to be pissed when he found out, having been proven entirely correct in his belief that James potter and Sirius Black should not be in charge of another living thing.

They ran all over the top floor, scouring through corners and behind tapestries. They flew down the staircases, and out the front door, following  
what James called "the logical path of kitten escape", which was completely unscientific and entirely _illogical_.

Both of them had quite forgotten that it was well past curfew until James careened straight into the back of Professor Dumbledore, who was standing on the front steps of the castle. James stumbled and choked on a mouthful of the headmaster's robes because his mouth had been open to shout at Sirius.

Typically calm, Dumbledore looked down them and cleared his throat before saying, "Out of bed, boys?"

But as James and Sirius spoke over each other trying to explain, Dumbledore muttered a gentle 'ah', gazing out over the grounds and took step down the step. Sirius followed his gaze and watched the headmaster walk forward.

"Remus!?" James said beside him, his corrected eyesight better than Sirius' questionable night vision.

Sure enough, Remus was walking back toward the castle at an exhausted and stilted pace. As he got closer in the bright crisp light of a nearly-full moon, Sirius could see that his friend was even smaller and more crumpled than usual. The clothes he wore were nearly in tatters, and his skin was so pale it shone nearly translucent in the glowing light. He turned to remark to James, just as James shot forward.

"D'Artagnan!" he was screaming as he ran towards Lupin. Sirius looked again. Sure enough, wrapped in Remus' arms was a tiny fuzz of grey, paws sitting comfortably over the crook of his arm, alert and at ease, content to enjoy the ride in a familiar grasp.

As James scooped the kitten away from Lupin, shooting a glare at Sirius for good measure, Remus stepped up to Dumbledore.

"Please, sir," he rasped, in a voice nothing like his own gentle cadence, "We lost our kitten."

"I see," Dumbledore said questioning Remus with his eyes. Sirius was confused about the tone that the headmaster was using. It was oddly grave for a misplaced cat and three boys out after curfew. "And are you and the kitten alright, Mister Lupin?"

"Yes, sir," Remus replied with equal gravity.

"Right, then. In that case, you'd all better get some rest," Dumbledore said gently, placing a hand on Remus' shoulder.

Lupin nodded and headed forward, James behind him cooing at Dart. But Sirius was frozen on the spot, thinking.

"Mister Black?" Dumbledore prompted him, the hint of warning in his voice telling Sirius that his lenience was at an end.

"Er, right. Night, sir," Sirius said, catching up with Lupin. James, with his long legs, was loping ahead talking to the kitten soothingly. Sirius walked beside Remus a moment before very quietly saying, "Say, Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"How'd you know to look for Dart? I don't think I saw you in the common room."

"You were asleep," James pointed out helpfully from up ahead. "That's how we ended up here, remember?"

"Yes, thank you, James, but Remus wasn't there…" Sirius said in frustration. "In fact, I don't think I've seen Remus in...about three days."

"I'm quite sure I don't know what you're talking about. Why would I miss class for three days?" Remus said firmly.

"Ah, just ignore him, Rem...he's just being a Black and trying to pass the buck for our cat's near death experience," James said, turning to glare again.

"The cat is fine," Sirius snapped with a scowl. Remus looked at him and nodded, daring him to say more, somehow managing to look both fearful and annoyed. Suddenly, for whatever reason, Sirius felt a great deal of shame. Unlike with James, Sirius felt no draw to annoy Remus, didn't want to disappoint him or prove him right in all the assumptions the world made about him. He sighed.

"I'm sorry I lost D'Artagnan," he said finally.

"Sirius, relax. Everything _is_ fine," Remus said to him with a weary smile. Sirius found he could not answer.

So he shut up. But as they got back to the front door, he looked up. He looked up at the moon, and back at Remus. He looked at Remus' pale face and even paler scars. He looked at his scruffy exhaustion, and tallied days in his head.

He tallied and calculated, and then he managed to stay silent for another two months.

* * *

"Losing D'Artagnan?" Remus said, confused. "Sirius, that is not a time I was angry at you. I was never mad about Dart. He was fine. Hell, he's _still_ fine. And that was how you realised I was probably a werewolf. That's how we became friends, you idiot."

"Well, fine," Sirius conceded in frustration. "Then what about fifth year?"

**Second: Yeats**

The second time was a response to some long forgotten slight; no one could remember, even by the end of the year. What had preceded the Egregious Theft was lost to history because too much happened after it, with research into animagi and Patronuses that led to hilarious nicknames that were instantly perfect. Regardless, Sirius would never forget what followed. Or just how long and painful Remus' anger could be when literature became involved. Mostly, he remembered the day it had finally ended.

"Ugh, noooooooooooo…Moooony, don't be mad at me. I _hate_ it when you're mad at me," Sirius said, distinctly whining, and now also lying across the armchair above him, his head upside down, his stupid long hair now nearly in Remus' mouth.

"Just leave me alone, Sirius. James will listen to you whine," Remus said, staying resolutely angry by keeping his face in his book, determined not to look at the smirk that he knew was on Sirius' mouth.

"Hey! Don't put me in the middle of this!" James said in protest. "Besides, I absolutely will not listen to you whine, Pads….bother Peter instead. He can't resist being included."

"You know," Peter said from his spot on the sofa, where his homework was spread out all around him in a possessive, panic stricken arc. "I am the only one who doesn't spend my entire day whining about something or another. I _always_ listen to the three of you, whether I have a choice or not."

James barked out laughing, and hit Peter on the head with a roll of parchment. They had once again successfully taken over an entire corner of the common room. Being in fifth year had very few privileges, what with O.W.L.s and no new freedoms rule-wise. Still, being known as a gang of troublemaking pranksters secured a quiet, distrustful, and begrudging sort of respect around the four of them. They took full advantage whenever possible.

At Peter's words, Sirius threw himself upright in mock horror, "D'you know, Prongs? Poor Wormtail is right. We have utterly mistreated him. We shall have to make it up to him in his favourite way. Honeydukes, an obscene amount of gold, and a follow up of 'Wormtail's choice' at Zonko's…why I think he can plan the whole _week_ of festivities, don't you?"

Peter sighed, "I'm not coming with you guys to Hogsmeade this weekend, you dolt. I have a _date_ , which I have now told you _all_ about, _three_ separate times."

"What?! Pads!" James half-shouted. "Did you hear him? He has a date! With an actual human? Did you know about this?!"

"Why, of course I didn't Prongs!" Sirius responded, a hand on his chest in pretend shock. "How can we have been kept in the dark about this!?"

"Oh my god, you two. Leave him be. He's nervous as it is," Remus snapped, in entirely the wrong mood to be dealing with the _Padfoot and Prongs Pantomime_ this evening.

"Thank you, Moony," Peter said with finality. "You are my only true friend."

Remus grinned at Peter, sensing correctly the humour in his voice.

"And you, Dear Wormtail, are mine. Shall we leave this all behind us and run away?"

"Can it wait until morning?" Peter said, looking up from his parchment for the first time. "Only, I've been working on this Transfiguration essay for a fortnight. I think it may be brilliant."

Remus laughed.

Sirius was now really and truly annoyed. Remus could practically _feel_ his annoyance, and he knew exactly what was pissing him off. Sirius had been trying to get Remus to forgive him; instead, Remus was still angry. Worse, though, he had also derailed Sirius' joke with James, and had Peter on his side. Sirius did not like to lose, and Remus was very good at making sure he did.

"I am suddenly quite convinced that this common room is the most boring place on the planet. I'm going outside," Sirius announced, to much general shrugging. It was freezing outside. No one was going to volunteer to join him. "Ahem, James, a word, if you will?"

James sighed, but dragged his long legs out from underneath him and stood up, stretching from sitting still for too long. He gave Peter one more knock with the parchment in hand, hit Remus too, for good measure, and followed Sirius out the portrait hole.

"He's driving me mental," Sirius huffed, moving quickly down the stairs.

"Well, you pissed him off again," James sighed. He was a little tired of this conversation.

"Yes, but I seem to do that by just _EXISTING,_ Prongs," Sirius whined, sounding quite pathetic even to his own ears. "And I can't seem to stop no matter how hard I try."

"Hiding his favourite copy of that weird Muggle poet was you trying _not_ to piss him off?" James said, grabbing Sirius' arm and pausing him mid-stride. "I know it's just a book, but it's _Moony_. 'Just a book' is not in his vocabulary."

"Yeats," Sirius said.

"What?" James said, confused.

"His favourite book…it's Yeats. It's a first edition. It was his grandfather's."

"Then why'd you _do_ it? You had to know it was not going to help."

Sirius scrubbed at his hair. He looked extremely sheepish.

"You did know," James said, staring at Sirius and shaking his head again. "Merlin, you are so fucking gone."

"Yup, pretty much. Want to actually go outside?"

James shrugged, nodded, and they headed down the staircase that had just stopped moving them around.

"So, let me guess; you were tired of him ignoring you and pretending he _wasn't_ angry at you," James mused. "So then, you figured you'd force him into a Moony Strop, so that he couldn't pretend. And the best thing you could come up with was a childish prank?"

Sirius grimaced, "Am I that easy to figure out?"

"Easier actually, I'm pretty slow. And bad at paying attention. Which is why you always piss Moony off first. He notices _everything._ You know he'll have figured out why you did it, too, right?"

Sirius sighed, "That was _part_ of the plan, James."

"You are utterly cracked. And really shit at this," James laughed. "And, mate…that is coming from me."

"Yeah, well," Sirius said, holding open the door and sighing, "The assumption that I was ever good at this was not perpetuated by me. "

"I know, mate. I know," James commiserated.

When Remus walked up to find James and Sirius laughing their arses off, he changed his mind about wanting to talk to Sirius. He shivered in the cold wind, sighed in frustration at the two of them. He had already turned back toward the door when James called out to him.

"Remus, wait. Sirius wants to actually apologise, like a proper human this time. I'll even go back inside. No dramatics, no backup. He'll be completely defenceless."

Remus stared at the castle wall, not quite ready to face his captor; he knew he _would_ stay, of course, because whenever these three were involved, he couldn't resist them asking for anything. That didn't mean he had to like it, and he wasn't about to make it easy.

"I will even act as your alibi if you decide you have no choice but to kill him," James continued. "I'll tell 'em we were upstairs playing chess. Merlin knows, we've all wanted to kill Sirius at one point or- oomph."

James ended with Sirius obviously having hit him in some way.

Remus turned around, hands shoved in pockets, and refusing to look at anyone when he said, "Chess'll never work…Professor Dumbledore knows I can't play."

"You don't think he'd cover for you? I think likely, a castle containing one less Sirius Black would be a dream come true for him," Sirius said quietly, not actually looking at Remus directly.

"Don't come inside until you solve this…or freeze to death. Either one really. I'm rather done with both of you," James said, stepping forward and clapping Remus on the shoulder.

They stood with shuffling feet and cagey eyes, not looking at each other for a few minutes.

Sirius inhaled suddenly, before whispering,

_"We foot it all the night,_

_Weaving olden dances,_

_Mingling hands and mingling glances_

_Till the moon has taken flight."_

"Sirius," Remus said, voice catching against his will.

"And then, something, something, er something… _And is anxious in its sleep_."

"Sirius, stop."

"But my favourite part of that one is…um,

_Come away, O human child!_

_To the waters of the wild_

_With a faery hand in hand,_

_For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand."_

"So, what?" Remus said in irritation. "You took it so you could read it?"

"No, I read it when I took it… _The_ _Stolen_ _Child_ …it was the most thumbed page," Sirius looked at Remus for the first time. "I'm sorry I did it, though. It doesn't help, but you angry is better than you pretending you aren't angry."

"You're reading into that. It's just a poem."

"Sure, Moony…a poem about stolen children that references the moon more than once is _just a poem._ "

"He was Irish," Remus said, for no apparent reason.

"Ugh, why did you tell me that. Now I have to completely change my internal voice when I read them," Sirius replied, grinning like a loon because he knew he had won, at least for now. If Remus was giving him useless facts, he was back on safer ground.

Remus turned and walked away, assuming correctly that Sirius was going to follow him. He was cold, and he was tired, and it was getting very close to supper, meaning any second now there would be people everywhere. They made it all the way up the first floor staircase before Remus spoke again.

"For the record, Pads, two things;" Remus said, hands still in pockets, eyes forward. "One, I am not pretending to not be mad at you. I'm _not_ mad at you. It happened. It was very stupid of you, but it's hardly the first time you've done something stupid."

"Remus, I-"

"Two," Remus said, interrupting what was sure to be a Sirius diatribe of self-loathing apology. "That's not my favourite Yeats poem. I've read it a lot, but my favourite isn't in that book."

Sirius had no response. They were on the stairs to the common room now, and he was walking very close to Remus, on purpose, testing the resetting of boundaries that had just occurred. He didn't reply. He didn't think Remus wanted him to reply. They paused and leaned against a railing as the staircase moved.

Everything about them contradicted; where Remus' body remained tense, senses heightened, arms crossed, Sirius felt his posture relax, still full of coiled energy but distinctly at ease. Remus' features were small and delicate, in a way that spoke of fragility that did not exist. Sirius' face was dark and broad, looking frightening under the wrong light, and hiding the fact that he was the easiest of all four of them to fatally wound. They stood in silence, side by side, as the shifting slowly took them closer to home.

Remus took a deep breath, and when he started speaking, he sounded very far away,

_"We sat grown quiet at the name of love._

_We saw the last embers of daylight die_

_And in the trembling blue-green of the sky_

_A moon, worn as if it had been a shell_

_Washed by time's waters as they rose and fell_

_About the stars and broke in days and years."_

Sirius stared at Moony the whole time his mouth moved, a small, wistful smile on his lips. It was how he always looked when he quoted lines from things, and Sirius always became immobilized by the expression. His frozen awe became immediately embarrassing when Remus finished the stanza and looked up at Sirius.

"It's called Adam's Curse. It's always been my favourite," Remus shrugged, turning to jog his way up the rest of the staircase.

Sirius remained on the spot, unable to close his gaping mouth.

"Yup," he said quietly to the empty staircase. "I am well and truly fucked."

* * *

"That's not the fifth year story I thought you were going to tell," Remus said quietly. "You know, I had quite forgotten about Yeats. So much happened that year, but in terms of you being a prat…"

And Sirius hung his head, remembering very suddenly which story Remus meant. He nodded.

"Yeah, fifth year wasn't...great for me."

**Third: Beatrice**

The third had been the first time that Sirius was truly ashamed to be himself. The third time he had nearly ruined his friendship with Moony, for real this time, had technically also been in Fifth year, but near the end. The end, when things got fuzzy and muted, when O.W.L.s were over and the sun was out.

When Moony had started dating Beatrice.

Despite Peter's random 'dates' with the Hufflepuff girls too nice to turn him down when he asked, and despite James' pining over Lily, Moony would forever maintain the status as the first of them to end up in a proper relationship.

Beatrice. The graceful, shy, Ravenclaw fourth year, who somehow found time to study even more than Remus, and who was fascinated by Muggle philosophy despite being born in a purely non-pureblood magical household.

Beatrice, who was perfectly lovely and did absolutely nothing wrong. Who was entirely impossible to hate.

And so, of course, Sirius _did_. He loathed her. He whined and complained about her whenever Remus wasn't around; her tone was too simpering, her intentions were too pure, her attempts to help Sirius finish his Potions assignments too meddlesome.

James would just sigh and shake his head, knowing what he did about why Sirius _actually_ hated Beatrice. And Peter, who did not know, would uncomfortably make agreeing noises. He couldn't quite bring himself to actually dislike her too, but Peter didn't like to disagree with anyone, ever. He was too afraid of losing allies.

Alone in his dislike, Sirius became even more Black in his distemper. He started to plot. He started to scheme. How dare she come in here, with her white blond hair and her sunny complexion, and steal _their_ Moony. During the best part of the year for pranks, too? The time of year when the professors had all let their guards down, just as happy in the sun as any of the students and far more willing to turn a blind eye to impropriety.

Worse, though, was that he resented her. He resented everything Beatrice was made of for making Moony smile like that, for being the one whose name carried Remus through stories in the common room. The occupier of all his free time.

Sirius was having none of it.

There had finally been a point, just before the end of year- Beatrice and Remus had been dating about a month- when Sirius had had enough.

To this day, he felt bad about Beatrice. She had really done nothing wrong. Nothing that warranted being a part of the prank. The prank that had ended the first Marauder relationship.

"I know it was you," Remus said pointlessly.

Pointless, because _everyone_ knew it was him. The first year _Hufflepuffs_ knew it was him. Everyone seemed to also be pretty comfortable being entirely pissed at him. Mostly because, as stated, Beatrice really didn't deserve to be marauder fodder.

"It'll wear off soon," he'd said defiantly.

"It already has. Long enough ago for Bea to explain that she just couldn't trust me anymore, if I insisted on keeping friends like you around."

Sirius tried to feel sad, apologetic, but instead, a traitorous lump of glee welled up inside of him. The tiny smile that escaped his mouth was simply a measure against implosion, really. Unfortunately, he was looking at Remus He-Who-Notices-Everything Lupin

"I _cannot_ believe you are smiling about this, Black!" Remus shouted. "YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER IDIOT."

Sirius was startled. Moony didn't shout. The fact that he was shouting now was definitely Not a Good Sign. Sirius cowered a tiny bit.

"So she broke up with you?" he pressed.

"Well," Remus said lowly, flaming cheeks full of unbridled anger, "She said I either had to stop hanging out with you or break up."

Sirius gaped at him for a moment. Forced himself to close his mouth.

"Moony, you didn't-"

"Oh, I did alright."

Sirius nodded. He should have been prepared for it, really. There had always been a line, one that he was going to one day cross, one that took him too far into the territory of 'utter asshole' to maintain the friendships he'd mysteriously managed to form. Remus chuckled, and it made Sirius fluster and panic. Surely, Moony wasn't _laughing_ at his pain, at the destruction of their friendship.

"Oh Merlin," he said. "You should see your face, Padfoot."

Sirius looked up, sudden anger flaring, but Moony wasn't done.

"Sirius Black," he said very seriously, crossing his arms, "Do you honestly think I would give up being a Marauder for the sake of one girl who can't take a joke? Honestly."

He dropped his arms, "Between you and James….stupid Purebloods, adding meaning to everything. You'll be the death of me, you two, I swear it."

Sirius tilted his head, looking very much like a dog and being unable to help himself. He still felt like shit, felt awful for making a young and impressionable girl spew obscenities in class all day for no apparent reason. He felt like shit because of _why_ he'd done it, and he felt like shit because he had done it to the person who he wanted most not to hate him. And here was that person, standing in front of him, laughing, and making him feel even smaller with his easy forgiveness.

"Moony," Sirius said. "I really am sorry."

"Sorry is fine, Sirius. Just don't do it to anyone else. It was mean," he said, honest still. Sirius nodded.

"Though," Remus said, turning away and considering as he walked the stairs to his room, "It was really only a problem because of the Ravenclaw-ness. She wanted to answer every question still. And it was pretty hilarious to hear her call Professor Flitwick a 'shrivelled up hippogriff cock'. Even he cracked a smile at that one."

* * *

"Merlin, that one _was_ pretty mean. Not the worst time though, not by a long way," Sirius sighs.

Remus stares hard at Sirius.

"Pads," he says, voice full of warning. "Don't. Not today."

But Sirius presses on, an unnatural calm settling over him.

"And then of course," he mumbles, "There's sixth year."

**Fourth: Willow**

They didn't talk about the Willow. Not even now. The time that Sirius had almost killed Severus was almost _too Black_ , too close to real evil, so they all dealt with it by Never Speaking of the Willow.

At the time, Remus had not spoken to Sirius for six hundred and seventy eight hours, and twelve minutes. He knew, because he'd counted. James tried to point out that it was just the space between cycles, that he had to be patient. Remus was Remus, he argued. He'd get over it if they gave him time. But that had been useless to Sirius then, in the midst of the very painful silence. So he'd counted hours instead.

If Severus had been hurt, if James had been too late, Sirius is sure he would have made himself disappear rather than see the look of disappointment on Moony's face. As it was, he'd forced himself to stay, to bear witness to his punishment for stubborn selfishness and genetic rashness. He was so full of remorse that he didn't even try to get Remus' attention. He didn't anticipate forgiveness, and therefore did nothing to try an earn it in his typical way.

Which, eventually, was how he'd earned it.

But. They still did not talk about that day.

It just wasn't something they did.

* * *

"Sirius," Remus says through gritted teeth. "Kindly shut the fuck up."

**Fifth: Leaving**

Of all the times that he has fucked up, Sirius wasn't positive he wanted today to be one of them. As they stood in his flat, one year after leaving Hogwarts, he knew for certain that he had never been planning for this. He tries to figure out why they were talking about this.

And then he remembers. He remembers that Dumbledore is sending Remus away, into the den of werewolves. Den? Did werewolves den? He honestly didn't know.

But he had seen somewhere around eighty monthly conversions of _one werewolf-_ a relatively safe one, if such a thing existed- and he _does_ know that he doesn't want Remus anywhere near a large _group_ of werewolves, regardless of their collective noun.

"You realise, of course," Moony mutters, sounding ancient. He has not slept in days, and he knows what he looks like. "That all of these stories are not actually times I was angry _at_ you."

"Yes they are," Sirius said defensively.

"No, they aren't!" Moony shouted, startling them both. "They are stories of moments when the great Sirius Black felt guilty or embarrassed or ashamed because of something he'd done. I was never _angry_ at you. Well, except for the willow."

They both knew that was an exception.

"And besides, none of it matters. I'm still going."

"I wish you wouldn't," Sirius smiled sadly. He'd now said it five times. The words we're losing meaning.

"So you keep saying," Remus shouted again.

It was hurting rather a lot, the shouting. He didn't do it, ever, and his throat didn't appreciate it so soon after a change. "But your reasons are all off, Black! You want me to stay so you aren't alone. Aren't alone in this bloody great flat..."

He gestured all around them, "Why is you flat so fucking _BIG_ Sirius? Did you buy it just because you could? One more 'fuck you' to the Black fortune? Well, congratulations, you did it, and now you are going to have to live here. And I have to go."

Sirius looked at Remus. Remus looked at Sirius. They had stood in this configuration, not saying the things that required saying, for almost a decade now. Sirius, if he was honest with himself for once in his bloody life, had had enough. He said the thing he normally would not have said.

"I bought it so you'd stay," he said boldly. "I bought it so you'd have somewhere to go, but so that the somewhere would be with _me_."

Unlike the usual Lupin response of going deadly silent, Remus, who was already in a rare rage, continued to rage. Suddenly, he was tearing at Sirius' clothes, but not in the warm, fuzzy way that he wanted Remus tearing at his clothes. Not like the drunken nights last year, or even the playful wrestling of youth. Remus tore at him like he wanted to maim him, possibly cause permanent damage. Like a wild animal.

 _Like a werewolf,_ his brain supplied against his will.

"You. Great. Bloody. Idiot," Remus said, scrabbling with sharp nails and strength whose source was unknown. He should be exhausted.

"What the hell do you want? What do you want me to do, ignore the problem? Hide away here and pretend nothing is wrong?"

Sirius didn't flinch. He didn't try and stop his friend, even though the scratch of his fingers had now hit skin. Instead, he moved closer. He settled hands securely where they had never been, tightly on hips, a bony purchase where he knew Remus could not escape. Remus fought the grasp feebly, having worn himself down with the scratching frenzy.

"I just don't want you to go, Lupin," Sirius said in the closeness. "I've been trying to tell you not to go."

And when Remus opened his mouth to argue further, or perhaps to protest the use of 'Lupin', a name he never heard from his friends anymore, Sirius gave up trying to explain with words. He used his mouth, but he put it to better use.

He was afraid of the consequences, shaking and trembling as he leaned the half inch further to reach Remus' pillowed lips, but he couldn't stop himself any longer. The choking sound that moved out of his own throat was a little embarrassing, but he had imagined this moment for far too long. A sober kiss, whether or not it was going to be responded to, was more than he had ever dared hope. Remus' lips were as pliable as he remembered, as rough and yet perfect as he'd pictured. There was a moment where Remus did nothing but stare, open eyed, into Sirius' soul. He closed his eyes against that look and pressed on more firmly. He stepped his leg closer to Remus, waiting all the while to be pushed away.

"Black," Remus said against his mouth, not kissing him back. "Are you mocking me?"

Sirius jerked his head backward in confusion.

"Using me to get what you want?" Remus expounded. "Did James tell you, then? Because it won't work, I'm not a fool."

"James...using you...Merlin's sake, Remus," Sirius said, hands still on Moony's hips. "What the fuck are you on about? James tell me….You silly werewolf. Listen."

He moved his head down because he was pretty sure he could not be looking Remus in the eye for this next sentence; he nuzzled closer and expected to be pushed back. When his head hit the space between Remus' chin and clavicle and he was allowed to stay, he couldn't stop himself from briefly attaching mouth to pulse point, sucking lightly on the thundering beat that he found there, breath hitching at the discovery, even if it was just because of anger directed at him.

"I don't want you to go," Sirius began, "And I won't stop saying it. But you've got my meaning wrong. I don't want you to go to the werewolf camp, no. But James doesn't want you to do that either, or Lily. I don't want you to go _ever,_ Moony. I don't want you to go from _right here_. Merlin- I am not good at this, at confessing. But Moony, I don't want you to go and leave _me_. I-I er, rather…"

There was silence for a moment, in which Sirius died a million deaths and felt a thousand shattering emotions hit the bottom of his soul and felt himself go deathly still.

"Me too," Remus whispered eventually from above him, carding his hands in his friend's hair in a way that was both comforting and incredibly terrifying.

"Always have," Remus went on. "Just didn't think you felt the same way."

"What?" Sirius laughed, unable to move his head, still frozen in fear. "Have I actually been that stealthy? I've...since fourth year Moony. _Fourth year_! Wh-"

His head was suddenly dragged off Remus' neck and was firmly reattached to that warm and perfect mouth. A breath stealing kiss, followed quickly by a life stealing tongue, and a heart stopping groan. Sirius' brain short circuited, and he managed to push an exhausted Remus back to the carpet, resolving to never again wait 10 years before explaining how he felt. He'd worry about that later though. There wasn't time right now, with Moony fingers, the long and elegant ones he'd admired since second year, scrabbling at him in earnest again, but this time with a goal that had nothing to do with rage.

* * *

" _Now_ I'm angry at you, Padfoot," Moony said a long while later, burying his face in Sirius' chest and sighing.

"What?" Sirius said, instantly hurt. "Why? What'd I do this time?"

"You're making it impossible for me to go."

He laughed and pulled his Remus closer.

"That was the point, Moony," Sirius grinned, pressing his face to Remus' hair, inhaling damp and smoke and the slight freshness of wet forest.

"You know I have to," Remus said half-heartedly.

"Moony," Sirius said one last time, "Please, don't be mad."

And he pinned Remus down to their new spot on the floor of his living room, deciding for them both that leaving was a thing that Was Not Going to Happen.

Sirius Black screws up a lot. Almost abnormally frequently. An obscene number of those times had been monumentally disastrous. And yet, here he was, making questionable choices around Remus Lupin, once again.

This time, he was going to do everything in his power to make sure absolutely nothing went wrong.

* * *

Now everything makes sense at the moment

And the moment's independent of time

But who decides where truth resides

Your guess is as good as mine

But without a love I don't have an inkling

I'd be howling every night at the moon

And if the stars stop twinkling

The end will sure be coming soon

- _Easily Bruised,_ Matthew Barber

**Author's Note:**

> Come hang out with me on [ Tumblr](https://professordrarry.tumblr.com)!


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